Friday, 30 January 2015

Bad joke of the day

One afternoon a lawyer was travelling in his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He told his driver to pull over and got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one of them.
"We don't have any money for food," the man replied.
"Well then, you can come to my house and I'll feed you," said the lawyer.
"But Sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They're over there under the tree."
"Bring them along," said the lawyer.
Turning to the other man he said, "You come with us as well."
The second man said in a sad voice,"But Sir, I also have a wife and six children with me."
"Bring them all along," said the lawyer.
The all squeezed into the limo and the men said, "Sir you are too kind! Thank you for taking us all with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to help out. You'll really love my place: the grass is almost a foot high!"

Thursday, 29 January 2015

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Fruit for thought

We're planting many fruit trees to cheer the household: plums, damsons, greengages, apples, pears, apricots and cherries, all about one to two years old with the whimsical nomenclature "feathered maidens". Hope you're impressed by the mallet!

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Signs of spring

A few primroses have appeared in my garden and one solitary snowdrop.

Friday, 23 January 2015

Rug rethink

I’m on an alkaline diet to try to kill this cancer. This broadly consists of fish, vegetables and fruit. Shellfish, red meat, carbohydrates, sugar, dairy products, tea, coffee and alcohol are generally off the menu.  A quarter of my hair is still hanging on, thanks to the torture of the Ice Helmet which not only prolongs time for each chemo session by two hours but also leaves me with a splitting headache and completely zombified.
I’m getting rather thin on top so decided to buy a wig, delighted that my friend C wanted to accompany me. We went to Trendco on Westbourne Grove and of course C tried all the wigs too, over her luscious dark mane (there she is in the photo). We were in fits of laughter trying long wavy blonde curls which had a Miss Piggy look and auburn gamine wigs, which C said looked marvellous, although I didn’t have the nerve. I eventually settled for something similar to my usual colour and style, feeling very boring but also curious to find out if my friends would notice. C said it looked as if I’d just come out of the hairdresser’s and gave it the thumbs up, in spite of the  complete lack of originality.

The next evening I’d been invited to a dinner party so decided to give the wig its first outing. Our host is an excellent cook and a keen oenophile. I hadn’t told him about my diet, not wanting to cramp his style.  The starter was a prawn and crab salad accompanied by Sauvignon Blanc. A little of each wouldn’t wreck the diet, I thought. We were then presented with a huge, succulent haunch of venison together with Nicosia Pinot Noir from Etna. Could I resist? Unlikely. Just a small slice with plenty of vegetables and a small drop of the Pinot. The problem was that by asking for so little wine in my glass, I had to tilt my head back to drink it and then felt the wig slipping backwards. As the courses progressed: cheese and port followed by cherry pavlova, I had to keep leaving the table to adjust the wig, hopeful that the woman sitting opposite me, whom I hadn’t met before, would attribute my moving hairline to her own consumption of alcohol rather than noticing my embarrassment.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Job title of the day

Simon Inman from Healdsburg, California has a letter in today's FT saying that the silliest job title he's come across is "pre-owned vehicle reallocation consultant" aka second-hand car salesman.

Friday, 9 January 2015

Bad joke of the day

The Captain called in the Sergeant. "Sergeant, I've received a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Could you tell him and send him in to see me."
The Sergeant calls the morning drill and lines up all the troops. "Listen men!" he shouts. "Johnson, report to the mess for instructions! Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers! The rest of you, report to the vehicle depot for maintenance! Oh by the way,  Jones, your mother died, report to the Captain!"
Later that day, the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Sergeant, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones that his mother died. Could you be a bit more tactful next time, please." "Yes Sir!" replied the Sergeant.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again. "Sergeant, I've received a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died yesterday. Could you tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." "Yes Sir!" replied the Sergeant.
The Sergeant calls the morning drill and lines up all the troops. "Listen men!" he shouts."Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

Thursday, 8 January 2015

Seasonal dissonance

Take your pick: mince pies or hot cross buns at Morrisons yesterday. Meanwhile Lidl announced it had sold more bottles of champagne than milk over Christmas, vindicating its strategy of offering the former at £9 per bottle.
Happy New Year and apologies for my absence whilst I've been battling with medics and my own mortality!